I found myself again

"Don't be afraid to mess up, and don't expect success overnight. Get lost; get so damn lost and find yourself over and over again. Believe in yourself, forget about what other people think, and trust your journey."

To find myself again, I must have lost myself at some point. And I did. Slowly, without realizing it at first. Only then, when I was not only empty inside, but the outside was gone too. It was as if I was just a lifeless shell. I didn't seem to care about anything. I felt nothing. And I couldn't put my finger on what was going on inside me. I had no words for it. And yet I quickly realized what it was. Because I had encountered this emptiness before. I had already lost myself once. And this emptiness is called depression.

It is so often a secret that I carry within me. Because it is invisible. It likes to hide. Until I no longer have the strength to hold it in. Because it takes a lot of strength. I had forgotten what defines me and who I am. I no longer knew what gave me pleasure and how beautiful this world is. I had given up on myself.

A trip to Lake Garda in spring - and all I did was sleep and close my eyes. I didn't want to and I couldn't see.

But luckily for me, those around me didn't. And I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who was there during this time. Whether physically or in thought.

I got help over 2 years ago. To be honest, I can't remember how. I found myself in a 6 week hospital stay.

And slowly, almost day by day, I was able to feel myself again. Move my body, speak, make contact with people.

And probably the most important thing during this time was a conversation with a therapist who listened to my desire to set off again. Because I had remembered that. The dream of traveling, a life by the sea, under palm trees, with tropical fruits and warmth.

Towards the end of my stay, I had a perspective again. And I wanted to live again. And so, with support from many sides, I set off again - into life and on my journey. It's now been 2 years. And even though it hasn't all been uphill during this time, I can tell that I'm getting closer and closer to myself.

Because I have made my mental health my top priority. I can't do without it. No matter where I am.

Finding myself - what does that mean for me? It means getting to know myself at my core. This one question - who are you? What makes you who you are? -It has been on my mind for a long time. And there will never be a definitive answer. It's a broad spectrum. And so depression is also part of me. Even if I often didn't want to admit it. Because it is unpleasant. However, I don't want to deny it. I am a different person today than I was back then. And I will change over time. Today, now I am me.

I leave everything that was yesterday behind on my path and the now becomes tomorrow.

I try to live more in the moment. No more putting things off, following my joy as best I can.

Yes, I have found myself again and I can see the beauty again. The special moments that life has in store for me.

I would like to mention one of many here. Because it put the biggest smile on my face and a deep joy in my heart.

I was climbing over the rocks on the beach in the late afternoon sun after a long day at work. They were still warm. The waves lapped against the shore below me at regular intervals. Sometimes I feel as if they are telling stories when I listen to them. Of the vastness and freedom of the ocean.

My gaze floated into the distance. The northern islands of the Whitsundays could be seen on the horizon. Mountains jutting out of the clear blue water. It was calm. Exactly what I was longing for. Suddenly my attention was caught by something white. I could make out a white fountain of water. Maybe it was just my imagination? But when I saw it again, it was clear. They were there. Right in front of me. I could hardly believe my eyes as the large whale rose effortlessly out of the water towards the sky. Not just once. It jumped. A cry of joy and excitement rose up inside me. There it was - the joy inside me. It's back again.

And I live and travel for precisely these moments.

And find myself over and over again.